Marik and Bakura's Guide For a Road Trip
by Gweniveve Skyes
Summary: Or, 'It's a Friggin' Road Trip' Marik and Bakura go on a road trip to Vegas... oh the humanity. 'T' for violence, alcohol, innuendos, and Marik's sad attempts to pick up chicks. Non-yaoi, but still pretty darn hilarious.
1. Chapter 1

Marik and Bakura's Guide to a (Mostly) Successful Road Trip

(Can also be called 'It's a Friggin' Road Trip!)

Yeah, funny story about this one too. I was working on some work for classes and the phrase 'It's a friggin' road trip!' randomly popped in my head (still trying to figure out that one out) but any ways, so with that phrase dancing around in my head like some tribal ritual, I just had to write a story about it... and here it is. Also for a first, a Marik and Bakura adventure will be more than just a one shot, so we'll see how that one goes...

PS: As much as I hate to disappoint my fans, these are not intended as yaoi as any sort. If you wish to see it that way then that's okay, I'm just telling you what I know... Curse LittleKuriboh for making these two so much fun!

**Step 1: Get a nice car (WITHOUT trying to resort to Shadow Games or hot-wiring )**

Marik: I've got an idea!

Bakura: If I hear any more of your harebrained schemes again, I **WILL**__kill-

Marik: We should go on a road trip!!!!

Bakura:...what?

Marik: You know, one of them trip thingies...

Bakura: I know what it is you dolt! Why should I go on a road trip and even if I do decide, which I won't, to go, where will we be going?

Marik: We could go to Las Vegas and get dunk and pick up chicks and see Siegfried and Roy...

Bakura: And end up on 'Cops' half naked....

Marik: We could do that?

Bakura: Uh, no...

Marik: But it's a friggin' road trip!

Bakura: OK! Fine if it gets you to stop complaining... What will we use to get there

Marik: We could use my motorcycle.

Bakura: It only fits one person

Marik:... Sweet Mama Jamma! You're right!

Bakura: _(rolls eyes)_ Well no duh Sherlock...

Marik: Hmmm..... then we should totally get a car then?

Bakura: _(slams head down on coffee table_) We can't I know any decent villains?... maybe I'll go hang out with Melvin, he seems to have more sense....

_At the Car Dealership...._

Salesman:Hi and welcome to Bob's Car Emporium. How may I help you today?

Marik: Err, hi. We need to get a car

Salesman: Well then, is there anything in particular that you and the missus were looking for?

Marik: _(Whispers) _He called you a she!

Bakura: Shut it or I'll kill you by ripping off your arm and beat you about the head and shoulders with it

_(To salesman) _Actually, my friend and I are going to Las Vegas and we need a decent car. You got any?

Salesman: Well, there's that lot over there. I bet you could find a good one there.

_(at the lot)_

Bakura: These cars suck

Marik: Quit complaining kitty. Ooh, look at that one!

Bakura: Its a Prius

Marik: But I like it!

Bakura: It sucks and it screams gay. The only thing we would get with that thing is a male prostitute.

Marik: But look at the gas mileage.

Bakura: N. O.

Marik: Dang

Bakura: How about this one? _(points to a Mustang)_

Marik: Oop. I changed my mind. I like that one.

Bakura: Exactly. Got the money for the downpayment?

Marik: Eerrrr.....

Bakura: _(realizing what that meant) _MARIK! I'm going to KILL you! _(grabs his own wallet) _I hatr using my own money....

Marik: We could just hot-wire it.

Bakura: Brilliant! Got the tools to do it?

Marik: Um about that, sorry no...

Bakura: I. Hate. You.

_(They make the downpayment and get out of there with very little problems...well, Bakura was still pissed at the Salesman for calling him a girl and sent him to the Shadow Realm using Marik's Millennium Rod...)_

Thus, Ladies and Gentleman, Do NOT call Bakura a girl.... And don't worry, it'll get funnier as it goes along

And next time, **Step 2: Learn to read both the map and road signs correctly.**

And until next time, Ciao! Gwen


	2. Step 2: LEarn to read Road Signs and Map

'Ello! Me here (would it be anybody else :) ) How are ya'll doing? So the next two weeks will be quite hectic for me, so if I manage to update any of my stories, it'll be a miracle in itself. So you might not see an update for this one until after May 14th; however, if I do update, I expect ya'll to dance around in your rooms in a happy dance and then immediately review. You WILL review... dang, Jedi mind powers don't work here..., well, enjoy the next chapter!

Disclaimer (bout time I put one up): I do own Yu-Gi-Oh.... haha! Made you look! I actually don't, I just wanted to see what will happen if I put it there..

**Step 2: Learn to read road maps and signs**

Marik: _(singing) '_On the road again, jus' can't wait to get on the road again.. '

Bakura: Will you stop singing that stupid song! You've been singing that song for half an hour!

Marik: Well, Excuuuse me Princess! _( pauses and then starts singing another song) _ 'I thought that they were angels, but much to my amazement, I climbed aboard their spaceship and oh jeez Holy Crap! They were aliens!'. . .

Bakura: I didn't say you could keep singing... Besides, those aren't the right lyrics

Marik: I like mine better, they make much more sense.

Bakura: Idiot. By the way, do you know where we're going?

Marik: Yes I do, we're going that way

Bakura: Is that the right way?

Marik: I think so... let me get the map.

Bakura: I swear, if we're lost in this stupid desert...

Marik: Got it! _(pulls out map)_

Bakura: Let me see that... You moron! The map is upside down!

Marik: Hey I can't help it! The map has all those squiggly lines that make it hard to read. We should have gotten that GPS like I said

Bakura: Well, if you hadn't spent all that money at that Indian Casino...

Marik: That guy cheated me!

Bakura: As I was saying... where did you get that cash anyway?

Marik: Your wallet

_(Bakura lunges towards Marik, which causes the steering wheel-- Marik was driving-- to go crazy, they crash into a ditch,... the car's okay BTW)_

Marik: Hey look! _(points at sign they're near) _We WERE going the right way!

Bakura: Give me that. _(grabs folded up map and starts beating Marik with it) _

Marik: Ow! Geez! Don't hit so hard!

Bakura: I feel better. I should drive from now on.

Marik: But I look hot driving this! It'll help me pick up chicks!

Bakura: MOVE

Marik: Okay fine.

_(they manage to get out of the ditch and continue to drive)_

Marik: 'Mama, jus' killed a man, put a gun to his head, pulled my trigger, now's he dead...Mama! Life had jus' begun,....'

Bakura: I'll put a gun to your head if you don't stop singing. You have now ruined Queen for me. Thank You.

Marik: Jeez Bakura lighten up! It's a road trip you're supposed to sing!

Bakura: Um, no you aren't. Maybe I should have gone on this road trip with Melvin instead...

Marik: I'm not that-- Ohmy—Aieeeeeelookout!!!!!!

Bakura: What the--

_( A small innocent little bunny.... --small and little, isn't that a little redundant?, but I digress--.... is in the middle of the road, with big innocent eyes...)_

Marik: Avoiditavioditavoidit! _(translation: Avoid it, avoid it, avoid it! Marik grabs the steering wheel, causing Bakura to swerve. They end up in another ditch) _

Bakura: What in Ra's name was THAT for?

Marik: _(small voice) _you were going to hit the bunny

Bakura: Oh, for the love of Osiris! _(Knees Marik in the groin) _There a millions of rabbits out there! Hitting one wouldn't have made a difference!

Marik: _(whose voice is now three octaves higher—its higher than Serenity's) _K fine, but did you have to hit me in the balls?

Bakura: Actually it made me feel quite better, I should do it again _(does)_

Marik: _(voice is now almost six octaves now, only dogs can hear it practically) _Can we get going now?

Bakura: Yes, now help me push this out of this ditch...

And yes, I did mess up those lyrics on purpose, go look up 'YGO:TAS Sails Away'. That's my favorite line from there, I'm never able to listen to that song on my MP3 the same way again...

For those of you who were wondering, I always wanted to write that in one of these stories XD. Next time:

**Step 3: Never tick off the truck drivers at the truck stop.**

And remember kiddies, a review a day keeps the sucky plot bunnies away ... so it might it as well be here

~Gwen


	3. Step 3: Never Tick off the Truck Drivers

So I figured I would get this up here before I ended up getting beaten to death by some of my more ardent fans (you know who you are lolz). This one will probably be the least funny of my chapters so far (chapt. 4 will be a hoot). So here it is, in all its semi-funny glory

Step three: **Never tick off the truck drivers at the truck stop.**

Marik: I've got the munchies, Bakura.

Bakura: _(driving) _uh-huh.

Marik: _(to himself) _I don't think he's listening to me.... hmmm, that gives me an idea. Bakura, I have a plan to defeat the Pharaoh and it involves leather pants.

Bakura: Uh-huh

Marik: I'm going to bomb Mexico.

Bakura: Uh-huh

Marik: I'm going to stab you in the jugular with my Millennium Rod.

Bakura: Do that and I'll make you won't be fathering the next generation.

Marik: So you were listening after all

Bakura: It's called 'selective hearing' you idiot. And I pray to Ra that you don't have a plan to defeat the Pharaoh that involves leather pants

Marik: Ummm, does it count if it's a Lady Gaga song?

Bakura: Oh just shut up already. I'm this close to stuffing you in the trunk of the car.

Marik:You wouldn't

Bakura: Wanna bet?

Marik: Maybe later.... But seriously, I have got the serious case of the munchies Fluffy

Bakura: What have I told you about using the Millennium Rod as a bong?

Marik: I didn't!

Bakura: _(rolls eyes)_ Whatever. Look there's a truck stop coming up, we'll eat there

_(At the truck stop)_

Marik: This place looks kind of sucky.

Bakura: We'll its either that or I run over some poor helpless creature and we eat that.

Marik: Wwweeee'lll just eat here

_(they sit at the counter)_

Lady who works at the counter: Hey ya'll, what can I get you two?

Bakura: I'd like the steak

Marik: You always get the steak. Do you like have some fetish with steak or something?

Bakura: I like meat okay?

Lady: _(turns to Marik) _And what will you have hun?

Marik: Errr, I'll have the cheeseburger.

Lady: All right, they'll be out in a minute.

_(While they're waiting for their food, two truckers show up)_

Trucker 1: Hey look Jim, looks like we've got a pair of ladies here

Trucker 2: Yeah, the blond one is pretty hot

Marik: OH sweet mother of Osiris, why do we always get mistaken as women?

Bakura: Because you look like one?

Marik:Shut up you aren't helping. _(to truckers) _I'll have you two walking baboons know, we are not, I repeat, NOT women, even though Bakura here spend more time one his hair than most women do.

Bakura: _(muttering) _Well, a least I don't use spray on tan.

Marik: Hey! I'll have you know that this is all naturale thank you very much!

Trucker 2: Well, you look like a woman. Are you one of them tranies then?

Marik: NO! _(he gets an idea and pulls out his Millennium Rod) _Are either of your names 'Steve' by any chance?

Trucker 1: Maybe. Wait, are you an undercover cop? 'Cuz I swear I didn't know... _(Sees a glowing eyeball on his friend)_ Hey what did you do to my friend here?

Marik: I have put him under my control. That's what you get for making fun of me...

Bakura: _(now eating his steak) _Real mature Marik.

Marik: Shut up kitty, I'm not done yet... And now, your friend to the Shadow Realm! Bwahaha!

Trucker 1: You're sending my friend to what! You son of a... (_Starts trying to beat up Marik)_

Marik: Iiiieeeee! Bakura! Help me!

Bakura: Really? _(Grabs his steak and Marik and leaves)_

Lady: Wait! You forgot to pay!

_(now driving again)_

Bakura: I hope you realize that you scream like a girl.

Marik: I'm not in the mood right now... I've still got the munchies you know.


	4. Step 4: BakuraTechnology Bad Things

**So apparently I was tragically wrong about how semi-funny the last chapter was. . . maybe I should be more wrong on occasion, but it probably won't happen often, or perhaps I'm just a perfectionist and I should be more lenient on myself, but I don't see that one happening anytime soon either. I really should stop blabbering and just give you the chapter already... in fact I shall.**

**Step 4**: Whatever you do, don't let Bakura send the ATM to the Shadow Realm (Actually, this should be a blanket to all general electronics. Period)

_(After for driving for what seemed like days- they always seem longer with Marik in the passenger seat,- they make it to Las Vegas)_

Marik: Woot! Las Vegas BABY!

Bakura: Thank Ra. I was this close to killing you. You and you corruption of lyrics are absolutely horrid. I will never listen to 'Bad Romance' the same way again _(A/N: And I totally agree with that statement lol. Wait why am I doing another 'Leather Pants' joke again?)_

Marik:But you do have to admit, they are creative

Bakura: And soul scarring. Tell me, have you been on hallucinogenic drugs this entire trip the whole time?

Marik: Absolutely not!

Bakura: And for some reason, I don't believe you. So, what hotel are we staying in again?

Marik: The Luxor

Bakura: You are kidding me right?

Marik: It was the only one with rooms still available

Bakura: You're mocking me aren't you?

Marik: Why are you so darn upset about-_(sees the hotel for the first time) _Oh.

Bakura: Tell me, were you blind when you got the reservation?

Marik: To be totally honest, I don't remember much about that night

Bakura: Ah

_(They give their car to the valet, who then pulled a Ferris Bueller and jacks the car... what? It's a nice car peoples. They enter the lobby/ casino thingymabobber)_

Marik: It's really, really crowded.

Bakura: Of course, people are gambling their lives away here, or other illegal activities. Then when they go home, they get to lie to their wives why their credit card is maxed out. Then they get thrown out in a huge argument and it starts all over again. It's a truly vicious cycle, literally. The guy usually gets the snot beaten out of him.

Marik: Obviously. Ooh crap, do you have your ATM card? I just noticed that mine's expired. Could you go make a withdrawal so I can pay for the room? I promise I'll pay you back.

Bakura _(rolls eyes) _ Fine Whatever, but you better pay me back.

Marik: I said I promised!

Bakura: _(Walks over to ATM)_

ATM: Please insert card

Bakura: Okay, now what?

ATM: Please enter PIN number

Bakura: You got the bloody card, Why do you need my bloody PIN number! (_Does it anyways)_

ATM: Please select the amount that you will be withdrawing

Bakura: Enough to make the freakin' hotel payments! Geez, how stupid is this thingymabobber anyways! _(does that too)_

ATM: Thank you. Have a nice day

Bakura: Um, aren't I supposed to be getting the cash now? And my card?

ATM: Thank you. Have a nice day

Bakura: I want my card and money thank you very much! _(kicks the machine but doesn't get either item back) _Dang it!

ATM: Thank you. Have a nice day

Bakura: Gahhhhhhh! _(Starts pummeling the machine with his Millennium Ring) _ Okay! This isn't working! So I'm going to send you where the shadows swell to teach you stupid piece of electronic junk who's the real master around here! _(Promptly send the thing to the Shadow Realm) _Ah, son of a... it still has the cash and the card in it too. Oh well, I'll just jack Marik's credit card. It's much easier that way... hmmmm, why didn't I think of that before? _(Walks off, leaving a gap to where the ATM used to be)_

_(ten minutes later)_

Tourist: Um honey? The ATM isn't where you said it was. Actually it isn't here at all.

**Ah, the irony of it all. And that is why, my dear audience, you don't let Bakura handle technology at all, not even the toaster.**

**Step 5: (sorry I forgot to put one there last chappie) **When trying to pull off an 'Ocean's Eleven', it always works best if you actually have eleven people, just saying.


	5. Step 5: 2 Doth Not Ocean's Eleven Make

Look! I'm not dead yet! And I won't be anytime soon! Oh look, I'll go take a walk now...aaannnnddd, I think at this point, there should be a limit as to how many 'Holy Grail' jokes I can do, but I think not. Bwahahaha...ha.

**Step 5: When trying to pull off an 'Ocean's Eleven', it always works best if you actually have eleven people, just saying**.

Marik: I'm bored, let's go rob the casino

Bakura: _(flipping through channels) W_hat?

Marik: I said, let's go rob the casino, like that one movie with George Clooney and What's-his-face

Bakura: "Ocean's Eleven'?

Marik: That's the one

Bakura: And why would I want to?

Marik: 'Cuz, the place is loaded! Loaded I tell you and that's not a phrase I use often!

Bakura: 'K, fine.

Marik: Wheeeee!

Bakura: and no more Mountain Dew for you.

Marik: Screw you! I'll have my Dew and you'll like it!

_(About half an hour later, they find themselves in the air duct above the inside of a massive safe. Marik is wearing what looks like a rappelling harness)_

Marik: This chafes, by the way. I feel like a bondage slave. Why aren't you doing it?

Bakura: Because, you're so much lighter than me

Marik: you're saying that just to get out of it, aren't you?

Bakura: There is a distinct possibility...

Marik: Curse you.

_(Bakura lifts off the vent and begins to lower Marik down using a cord hooked to the harness)_

Bakura: You're really heavy. You should lose some weight.

Marik: Would it kill you to say something nice or once?

Bakura: Every time I do, a puppy dies.

Marik: I thought that was when Kaiba does it. And maybe we should stop with the breaking the fourth wall. We've done it plenty of times in this fic.

Bakura: Screw the Fourth Wall! I have LK!

Marik: Uh, yeah. Let's not and say we did.

SNAP!

Bakura: Oops

Marik: What is it—Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

WHAM!

Bakura:_(holding the broken cable)_ I think the rope broke

Marik: I think I broke my noth

Bakura: What?

Marik: My NOTH you moron! My noth!

Bakura: T_his is just way too easy... _What!

Marik: Thcrew you. Juth lifth me up already

_Alarm System goes of in the room_

Marik: Aw Thon of a Gun! Lifth me up! Lifth me up!

Bakura: The rope's broken, remember? And will you stop bleeding everywhere! They can get your DNA that way and find us!

Marik: You watcth waaaay too many crime thowths by the way

Bakura: Only to figure out now to get away with stuff. Throw your end of the rope and I'll pull that

_(Marik does it and Bakura pulls him up. On the way up, Bakura 'accidentally' bangs Marik's head on the ceiling)_

Marik: OOWWW! I already inthured you moron! Do you want me to have a concuthion too!

Bakura: Do you want the answer to that?

_(Bakura pulls him through and the crawl out of the hotel, to their car. And yes, it's back by now)_

Marik: Whath now?

Bakura: Drive!

_(They drive off and they find themselves in a bad part of town)_

Marik: Um, Bakura?

Bakura: What?

Marik: I lefth my hairdryer ath the room.

Bakura: Quit moaning pansy. Crap, the red light district

Marik: Whath the 'red lighth dithricth' (translated: what's the red light district?). And why ith it called thath! I mean, thith place doethn'th have more red lighths than other parths of town.

Bakura: I means that they're prostitutes here

Marik: Ooohhhhh. Tho then we'll find thomeone like Vivian Wong here?

Bakura: Probably

Marik: Oooh look over there! We could athk her directionth!

Bakura: do you not know the meaning of the phrase 'prostitutes'?

Marik: Mith! Mith! We need directionth!

Chick: hey, you boys asking for something?

Marik: Yeth, we need-

Chick: Freeze!_(Pulls out handgun)_ This is LVPD Vice!

Bakura: Holy son of Ra! She has a gun!

Marik: Who knew thath your voith could go tho high?

Chick: Get ouy of the car, now!

Bakura: Do it!

Marik: Buth I didn't do anything! IIIEEEEEEEE! _( Gets Tasered, that's what the second time now?)_

_(twenty minutes, they're at the police station on charges of solicitation)_

Bakura: Well, this just plain sucks. Remind me to never take a roadtrip with you again

Marik: It wathn't my fault! Thhe juth Tathered me! And by the way, I thtill wanth to go back and get my dryer—OW! Thtop hitting me, Bakura!

**Man, Marik never catches a break in these, does he? And that, my fellow fans, is the end of the 'Roadtrip' episodes. Just follow those steps, and you'll have a normally disaster-free trip. Actually now that I think about it, the only way you can guarantee a disaster-free trip is if you don't bring Yami Bakura or Marik with you, but then what would the fun be in that. **

**PS: I intended to misspell those words, BTW. Marik broke his nose, so of course he'll have issues speaking normally.**

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**~Gwen**


End file.
